“Bloody ‘ell, we’ve only gone and won it”

Ben Fox
Ben Fox

England were into their first semi-final of a World Cup since 1990. Only the third time the team had been in a semi-final in their history.

So, what would what life be like if England were to do the improbable – win the World Cup?


Firstly, Theresa May and the government would have to declare an official Bank Holiday for the homecoming parade in London and celebrations across the country, as people are hardly going to be working.

But would a day off be enough? I can see the headline now: ‘”Let’s take a week off”, says a slightly tipsy PM.’

A beer shortage

Beer will flow in England. Plenty of beer. There has already been talk of supplies running low in the country. If the World Cup is won, we might be looking at a complete outage!

A rationing system may have to be introduced in order to make sure every man and woman is properly supplied.

Honours galore

Another thing we count on happening is the players being honoured by the Queen for their achievements. There is precedence on this; Bobby Charlton and Geoff Hurst, heroes of the 1966 victory, were knighted alongside manager Alf Ramsey after the tournament.

England Rugby’s World Cup winning manager Clive Woodward was knighted in the aftermath of their 2003 triumph, with many of the players and staff also receiving honours.

Therefore, it would be no surprise if members of the squad were honoured themselves, with captain Harry Kane and manager Gareth Southgate receiving knighthoods.

Arise Sir Harry and Sir Gareth. In fact, every cleaner, doctor and coach in the team will be knighted. Arise Sir Phil from Peckham!

A new Wembley

All future fans visiting Wembley will be driving down Sir Harry Maguire Road to park in the famous Sir Harry Kane car park, before the FA Cup Final.

Making sure they are going through the right gate, anyone of the ones ranging from Sir Raheem Sterling to Sir Kieran Trippier.

All before settling down to watch the match from the Sir Dele Alli Stand. Oh, and it’s not Wembley anymore – but the Sir Gareth Southgate Stadium.

A new statue

Westminster Council will have a serious decision to make: will the new statue built to honour the victory be the same height or taller than Nelson’s column?

New version of Three Lions

No celebration would be complete without a song and who better to produce it than Baddiel and Skinner?

The new version of Three Lions will definitely go to number one, with the lyrics “Football’s finally home” sweeping the nation.

They would have to start the years of hurt from 0 – however.

Boost in waistcoat sales

Not only will there be a national shortage of beer, but every man, woman and child will be adorning a lovely new waistcoat.

Yes, everyone may be paralytic – but we will look gosh darn good.

Baby Names

Harry, Jesse, Gareth, Ruben… There could be a huge increase in popularity in these names and the rest of the squad’s when it comes to naming children next year.

We might see a few more babies than usual being born next April as well.

Wales and Scotland may not be too happy

The Scottish and Welsh governments would write an open letter to Ireland – asking if they could come and stay with them for a while. You know, just until the next World Cup in 2022.

Gareth is money

The Bank of England – probably all drunk themselves – would have to print all of Britain’s money again. This time with Gareth, Harry and Jesse beautifying the front of our 5, 10 and 20 pound notes.

Wimbledon blackout

On the hallowed turf of Wimbledon Centre Court, Men’s Final Day, Roger Federer is meeting his most famous rival in Rafael Nadal.

But, there’s a problem. No one is there. All 15,000 seats of Centre Court are empty.

Well, what else would you expect when England have reached a World Cup final for the first time since 1966?

There will be no “ooos” or “ahhhs” as the players dive back and forth across the court. But rather just distance cheers as England beat France 4-2.

Oh, and to finish off, Vindaloo by Fat Les would becoming our new national anthem.