The Secret Cricketer: Curtain comes down on summer

The final game of the season has focussed players’ minds on individual awards rather than avoiding relegation. Two of our top six batsmen are 20 runs apart from finishing as the highest run scorer and things got heated this week.

The second placed batter, ‘The shrew’, (on account of his unfortunate diminutive stooped posture) threatened to run out the top scorer in an attempt to dominate awards night. Our opener, who is 20 runs in front, responded by saying he might flood the pitch on Friday night, forcing an abandonment.

Fortunately, the bowling award is uncontested as we really only have one bowler and no one really argues with her anyway. That might explain our current league position.

Ginger, one of our younger players who is vehemently opposed to sledging but also fiercely competitive, has found a unique middle ground where he can impart some mental disintegration but in a kind way reflective of modern times.

Last week, he shouted clearly from slip ‘come on we need to get this guy out, he’s their most handsome player’. He was also heard to welcome a batsman, known for his volcanic reactions to any attempt at social interaction during games by announcing ‘welcome to the crease, you’re very tall, I like that.’ The fact that the batsman’s response contained less expletives than usual could suggest Ginger is on to something.

This approach led to some chat about what we coined as ‘PC sledging’. We decided upon stealing some lines from the Christmas film ‘Elf’ where the main character says things like ‘smiling’s my favourite’ or on asking the batsman’s name replying and with ‘that’s fun to say’.

Obviously, most of us older lags no longer possess the impudence or recklessness to actually say these things, most of us favouring the hard teachers stare instead. Plus, we quite like to see the batter’s reaction when confronted with kindness and only ever positive comments.

We’re going to give it a dry run in the last game and hope it doesn’t end in some kind of riotous abandonment. The batting award would be controversial and The Shrew would be dripping on about it for years to come.

We have had some availability problems with players choosing to watch the football at Plymouth or Torquay. However reprehensible this is, it’s not as unusual as the two late withdrawals this week. One of our younger players was unavailable due to trying to get Oasis tickets, while ‘God’ our ageing, reserved accountant and middle order batsman was ruled out by the trauma of having the family cat run over.

Apparently, in the ensuing difficult phone call to the skipper, ‘God’ said in a bereaved tone, ‘have you ever had cats Ken?’ Ken is no counsellor by any means and prefers eating raw meat for breakfast. He was unsympathetic to say the least and said he had to take the dog for a longer walk than normal to calm down.

Ken is giving the captaincy up after the last game as this was the last straw. A few first-team players have expressed an interest, presumably because they have an innate ability to coax people out of Ladbrokes on a Saturday morning or octogenarians out of retirement for ‘one last game.

The job lot of second-team captain is the second most thankless task after the groundsman. Our groundsman Stan is legendary for the delight he takes in being sweary and miserable and how wedded he is to the weather and the roller.

The courageous refer to him as ‘Rawhide’ for his rolling exploits. Like the Pope, he isn’t married as he is married to the job and detests anyone playing on his beloved square. Every time I ask him how he is, he always replies without fail ‘rubbish’ or asked if he had a nice time on holiday, his stock reply is ‘thankfully not’.

Stan is the person most looking forward to winter as ‘you lot won’t be wrecking my square’ and also ‘because it’s raining and goes dark early’. Everyone knows he’s not really such a curmudgeon but we indulge him because its him who really decides on how the season goes.